They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
You Might Also Like
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
😂🤣😂🤣
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Forever 21… pounds overweight
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!