i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.