The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!