White parent Vs Arab parents
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
*limbos under the caution tape
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.