Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.