*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
You Might Also Like
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets