Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?