Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Lunatics are gonna loon.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool