[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway