Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
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Always
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I’m not proud
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again