Wake me when AI does housework
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A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.