[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
You Might Also Like
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.