Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount