My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
called in thicc to work this morning
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain