What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Every. Damn. Time.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.