Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
You Might Also Like
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
every college guy’s fridge
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES