#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
this is 10/10 content no notes
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.