you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Y’all ready for this
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom