I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Eat…
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
(Jupiter –
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.