Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
He-man has a Masters degree
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.