Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
where the womens at?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms