Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
What kind of a cult is this?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine