Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
You Might Also Like
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.