things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
All excellent questions
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.