Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.