Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Hank is one in a melon.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose