*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
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Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*