“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
This January has 47 Mondays
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street