I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.