[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad