You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.