I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I have questions??
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?