“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Dietest Coke
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
shut up and take my money
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*seductively eats two tums*
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.