All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Y’all know who you are.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.