Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.