I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Stop sending me this shit.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*seductively eats two tums*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.