I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
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I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
the last thing a carrot sees
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Golf would be better with landmines.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Breaking news:
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home