Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
can you read it!!??
maan!
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try