I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!