Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The Compass
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Confused owl: What?!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.