“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.