My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
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Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
nyc:
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.