cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe