KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.