My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
The Sun
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.