KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.