I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Salad is the decaf of food.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!