The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Name another movie that mislead you?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.