Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off