If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back